This is My Life, Really?!

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It’s summer!! July 5, 2010

Summer is in full swing, and I am loving every minute of it. So much, that I have neglected the computer. I am on it all the time during the school year, and I am on it all the time at work, so when I get home, the last thing that I want to do is sit in front of a computer. I just wanted to get on here and get out some thoughts. Not that I am really thinking too much in depth, right now I am trying to live in the moment, to unwind and relax.

Normally, the day after the 4th of July, I have a strong desire/need to lay and wallow around in bed trying to nurse a hangover that has the intensity of a supernova – not like I’ve personally experienced a supernova, but I bet it is pretty damn intense. But this year is different. For starters, I had to work yesterday. While I did get off work at 4:30ish yesterday, it was not the same. I like to start out my 4th with  margaritas around noon, and by the time I would have gotten home and changed it would put my starting time about 5 hours later than I prefer. Also, I felt like garbage. I had to get up at like 6 something in the morning to get to work on time :( Add this to a long day of sun and booze the day before, and two days of serious boozing the two previous days. **Think what you want, I am in the prime of my life right now, I love drinking, I have fun, and really, as of right now, I have very few responsibilities right now, and I am making the most of it- and work Thursday and Friday were fucking terribly busy and it seemed that everyone coming to the pharmacy that day decided to be a super douche, so stiff drinks were necessary**

So yes, last night, I felt like death. I laid on the couch and went to bed early, drinking one of my favorite non-alcoholic beverages, other than Diet Coke and Mountain Dew Baja Blast, Arizona Blueberry White Tea. This morning I woke up feeling pretty good, still a little run down, I get sick when I go too long without getting enough sleep, but other than that, I felt great. I went to take Noah for a walk, and I realized that the morning after the 4th of July is like the morning after New Year’s Eve- everything is dead, it seems kinda like a ghost town this morning. I have had the unfortunate experience of having to work New Year’s Eve and the following day, so I have had to spend a few of those sober, and so I know what the day after is like for those that did not imbibe in the revelry the following night. It is eerily quite~ I should take advantage of this and go shopping and get some errands done, but I don’t know. I feel uncomfortable being up and about today, it goes against tradition. Since I was like 18 I have spent the day after the 4th wishing I were dead, and now that I am up to enjoy this less populated day, I don’t know what to do with it. I guess I will get off the computer, try to do some pilates, which I have also been seriously neglecting, and get going with my day. I hope everyone had a happy and safe 4th, and that they continue to enjoy summer.

 

For all the bookworms out there!! June 2, 2010

I realized that in my previous post I was talking about my ADD and then stated that I had read quite a few books since I have been liberated from school. And you may be thinking that this doesn’t make sense… Kinda like “If she has it so bad, how can she sit down and read like she does?” Yeah, I know. But here’s the thing, I love reading! In general, I would rather read than watch TV, I used to bring books with me to friends houses and when they were watching TV I would be reading. Yup. I am a SUPER nerd. And I mean super nerd. Did you ever know a kid that used to have hide her reading habits from her parents?? And no, I was not reading smut/trashy books that I was worried about getting caught reading, it was because I used (and still often do) stay up all night reading. Mmmhm. My parents would get upset with me for staying up way past my bedtime reading. My parents used to ask me to stop reading, and would get upset by the amount that I read at night.

So I did what every kid would do- I swiped a flashlight and batteries. Then I would take a blanket and put it along the bottom of my bedroom door to prevent any light from escaping. But no, that wasn’t enough, I would take my pillow into my closet (thankfully, I have a large walk-in closet at home- has come in handy through the years) and another blanket and read in my closet with the flashlight. Please note, I am the type that can’t do something and get away with it, so I have grown to be cautious if I have to break rules, so to ensure I didn’t get caught- as if blocking the bedroom door, shutting myself in my closet (on the same wall as the door so light from it would have been hard to see), but I would also shove some form of clothing to block the crack at the bottom of the door. Yeah, I told you I am a nerd. But yes… I do digress.

I love to read. I love books. And most of the books that I own, I have re-read multiple times. I see them in the same light that I would see a favorite movie. People watch their favorite movies over and over again, so that they can quote them. Why are books any different? Seriously, I never understood why people think it is odd that I re-read my books. I do read quickly, and I do read more than one book at a time. In that sense they are kind of like TV to me. If I am reading a book for the first time, and I am enjoying it, but it reaches a section that I find kinda blah, I will put it down, and start a new one. Then when that ones bores me, I will go back to the previous book and resume reading it. And in this manner, I often flip back and forth between books. I would compare this to watching two things on TV. You watch one show until the commercials come on (the part I find boring) and then you switch it to another show and watch that one until the commercials come again (this books gets boring/at least boring enough to make me switch back to the other one, or I get curious about what will happen in the other one) and this will continue until I finish the books, or until I decide that the book I am trying to read sucks, and at that point I will stop- See side note** And also while I am either flipping between books, or being monogamous with my book (as in no other books are in the picture at the same time) I frequently read while “watching” TV (don’t watch much, but I can give general overview of what is going on) or while listening to music. So while I am reading, I am still all over the place in my own way.

**Side note: For some reason, this also seems to agitate others when they hear this. I get the, “You read all that, and then you don’t care to see how it ends?” Nope, I sure don’t! I once attempted to read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand, got over 3/4 of the way done with it, and I literally couldn’t force myself to read any more, I loathed it, so I just stopped reading it. This was on a beach trip and everyone I went with couldn’t seem to get over the facts that:

1. I could read so much and then just stop (that book is well over 1000 pages)

2.  Didn’t like the book

3. Could read that much of a book and just stop reading it and not finish it

But again, if a show sucks, you will change the channel and not finish it! I mean c’mon! And again, I have gone on a tangent. But yes. That is how I can read so many books while I am unable to remember to do simple tasks and lose my car key and purse on a daily basis due to my lack of attention. So yeah- that’s how I do it ;) Still doubt my issues?? LOL

 

What was I saying?! June 1, 2010

It is summer, and I am not in school, nor do I have a job right now, so I have crazy amounts of free time on hand. After several attempts to clear out my huge closet to make room for [B]‘s stuff when he moves in, and just completely clear my apartment of clutter, I am still unsuccessful. Instead, I have read approximately 7 books, taken many naps, been sick with a stomach bug and allergies, visited family, and spent some quality time by the pool. My closet is still a disaster, and the rest of my place isn’t so great looking either. I guess I will finally need to admit that while I have a Type A personality, and I savor and love control, it will always be a constant struggle for me to maintain order within my living space.

I think part of my problem comes from the fact that I have not been taking my Adderall. As I have mentioned several times, I have ADD. As in, I lose shit on a daily basis, I will call someone to ask or say something and when the phone is answered I forgot why I called, I make plans then immediately forget them, I will be in the middle of a task get side tracked and it remains unfinished, take stuff off the stove or out of the over and forget to turn it off… Yeah- I have ADD. I have gotten used to the fact that it takes me much more focus now to get my thoughts out, and I am kinda, maybe, sort of getting the hang of the fact that I have the attention span and memory of a goldfish, but then there are times when I just don’t know. I know that I should probably start taking it again, and go to the doctor to get a new prescription, but I have really gotten to dislike the fact that I rely so heavily on a medication to function in my day to day life.

I have enjoyed my hiatus from it, come to think of it, that could also be why I have not been blogging, I mean it takes much self-control to even sit at the computer long enough to get a coherent thought out- I originally sat down to write about I wanted to spend one day as a crab fisherman in the Bering Sea and look at where I am now!!!!! But… yes… I have enjoyed my hiatus from it. I have found myself doing odd, quirky things that I used to do more frequently, or only when I was pretty buzzed. I feel that when I don’t take it, in general I have more energy (Yeah- I have ADD, it doesn’t act like an amphetamine in my system, it lets me slow down and actually be productive), and I feel more fun in general. I have really enjoyed this aspect of it, but at the same time, I really do hate being so damn flaky! I don’t like feeling like I a hummingbird flitting around from one thing to the next, never giving what I do much thought or time.

Wait a minute… This girl is going to school to become a pharmacist, and she has a problem with taking a medication everyday?! YES! I have found that those in health care are the worst patients, the most non-compliant, and the most unwilling to take medications. I know, I know, we make no sense.  But it is true! After about a month though, I have finally come to the conclusion that it is time for me to admit that I really do have a problem, and my ADD can’t be controlled on my own very well, at all! I cooked dinner, ate it, and then took Noah on a walk, when I came in and went to get him a treat, I realized I had  left the stove on the whole time! So yes, at some point this week, if I can manage, I will see to finding my medicine here, and going to my doctor and getting a new script. I tried, but sometimes you just need to know when enough is enough and admit you need help :)

 

Quick recap!! May 25, 2010

So I have been a shitty blogger (I don’t even think I can say I am blogger, seeing as one must blog to be a blogger), but whatever. I have been crazy busy with school, my body rejecting me, and then once school and the body rejection had stopped, I needed to take a hiatus from it all, and today is the second time I have turned on my computer in two weeks! So I am going to give a quick and brief recap of what has been going on with me just to catch everyone up to speed. Also, before anyone reads any more, I would really like to thank those that have stopped by and checked on my blog even while I was gone, thank you! It is nice knowing that people still stopped by to check it out while I was being a slacker beyond belief.

School

Sucked the last two weeks of it! Tons of cramming, and rushing around trying to get everything done while it was gorgeous beyond belief outside, making it damn near impossible to be okay with sitting inside. I had to keep my blinds closed at all times with my back to the window pretending that it was not glorious outside! But once it was all said, and almost all done, I still have an incomplete in one class (I am a procrastinator, I still need to upload one document, turn in papers I have already completed, and upload service learning hours, but I have until June, so I will do that on May 31st ;)) so yeah, that aside, I finished up the semester with all As and one B+ not too shabby!

My body rejecting me

I have described some of my ailments that I have started experiencing this year, and well, throughout the semester, it continued. I only had my lips swell up once, though! But I did have crazy joint pain/swelling/limited mobility of my knees and all joints in my hands. Also for about a month and a half I was sleeping every chance I got, and had a continuous low-grade fever, and basically I felt like I had the flu. My joints got so bad that I couldn’t hold a pencil some days, and it was all I could do to get out of bed and take Noah, my dog, out to the bathroom. I had edema in my limbs, and it just hurt to move. Got all sorts of blood work done, and nothing was wrong with me. Only thing I can think of is maybe it was a mild depression, and symptoms were strongly manifested in my body, or I really just don’t do well with stress. Cause since school has been out, I haven’t had a single problem with any of that. I have been out and about, enjoying the fact that I do not have to thrive off of water pills, NSAIDs, and all that junk! I finally feel like a normal vibrant 24 year old again, and it is AWESOME! I feel so great, I have even contemplated started working out, because I can. Which is totally not something I have ever desired before, I loathe it, but I want to make the best of feeling great!

Hiatus

After attending a birthday party for a friend, we got a table in the VIP section of a club and had bottle service- quite fun!- I went home to see [B] and my family. I had not seen them in about a month, and with all that had been going with me, I missed them severely! So I went home to hang out, catch up, and soak up the goodness of being with those that I love! And except for one incident, my stay at home was wonderful! I also learned an important lesson that I want to share with you… If ever someone tells you that they just want you to be happy, and then proceeds to list reasons why you shouldn’t be happy with your current situation, and why they don’t approve of what is making you happy, leave immediately. That is not a friend. A friend wants you to be happy, and friend would say, “I want you to be happy, and as long as you are happy, then I am happy for you.” Whether or not that person likes what makes you happy is not relevant, it doesn’t matter, if you are happy and thriving, then great! If s/he doesn’t like it, and wants you to be happy on her/his terms, then that is not a friend. Don’t be fooled, I learned this the hard way, and I just wanted to share what I learned to help out anyone that I could.

Also while I was home I was able to run out to my favorite used bookstore and pick up 6 books, sadly I have already read four of them. I wish I could make books last longer, but if they are good, I literally can’t put them down. Noah got his summer cut, he kinda looks like a lion, LOL- I will try to take a picture that does his new do glory to post. My time at home was shorten than I would have liked, but I needed to get back to my apartment. I need to find a job, REALLY don’t want to, pharmacy intern jobs are extremely hard to come by, and all are part-time, so I gotta get that figured out.

Now I am back in the A, and I am happy to be back. So far it has been sunny and in the 80’s, so I have been able to be out in the sun! I got here and two good friends were in town so we had dinner and a girl’s night, which was so much fun! Unfortunately, I had caught a stomach bug from my mom, and was sick for the past two days. Today is my first vomit-free day, YAY!!! I celebrated by going to the pool, then out to dinner with two friends. There is no better way to celebrate being able to keep down food than cheesecake, gluten free, of course! So now I am settled back in the A, and I am needing to prep my apartment (make closet space to be honest) because [B] is going to be moving in with me here in the next couple of months!!! :D Hooray!!!!!!! I am more than excited for this, if it wasn’t obvious. So yeah- that is a semi-quick recap of my life.

 

Spring Fever, anyone?! April 23, 2010

Filed under: This IS My life! — divinem @ 4:49 pm

It has been like a month! I am sorry!!!!!

I am alive and kicking, I promise.

School has been such a huge drain on my time, but two week left! I am so sorry to just kinda fall off the radar, I guess I do that more than I thought. But what with at least one test and two quizzes a week, on top of life itself, well things have been hectic! Plus, to top it all off, we had to a blog thing for our experiential learning! So I have been blogging, but it has been shitty school blogging! Trust me, not fun, or satisfying, it the slightest!!!! I am bitter about it.

And as if school hasn’t been busy enough, the weather has been gorgeous, in the 80’s~ so any chance I get, I am either walking my fantastic dog or reading by the pool.

To top it all off, I have been feeling like garbage. Low grade fever, swollen hands and joints that hurt when I move, but not quite sure why, been to a doctor and had tests, but apparently nothing is wrong (?) I just have these odd body things happen… Oh well, at least there has not been any facial swelling in quite some time!

But yes, I have this and next week left in school. This coming week is killer, but I promise, the week after, I will be back!!! I will be reading and checking up on all of you! I have had you in my thoughts, and the kind words and advice I have been given have been in my mind! Thank you all so much for everything!

 

Who says change is a bad thing?! March 30, 2010

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking lately. Sorry if I have not been blogging so much, but I have had a lot going on with me other than just school. And I have come to several realizations that have helped me to understand my anger that I have let get the best of me. I can’t control the actions of others, but I can control my reactions. I examined all my past relationships with family members, friends, myself, and past boyfriends. I do not have a history of dating assholes, so it is not a pattern of mine. But after examining the relationships that have been the most meaningful to me, I have seen some trends.

The people that I let make me feel bad about me, are the ones that I am closest to. I am generally a selfless person, and I fully understand that the world does not revolve around me. I think this is part of my problem. I am the one that will usually give in to a close friend’s wishes, even if it is something that I don’t want to do. When they say something that is mean to me, I let it slide. I do my best to be there for them, even if I am having a hard time with something. There have been times when I was going through a rough time, and I really wanted to talk about it, only to mention it, have it discussed for maybe five minutes before the subject is changed. I would never try to re-direct the conversation back to what I felt I needed to talk through, because it seemed like there was a lack of interest from the other party. I would just hold back, push my thoughts/concerns aside, and would give in to what the other person wanted. It makes it especially hard when that person is very opinionated and has no problem telling/pointing out to me every time I do something that isn’t liked. I can tell people that I am not close to off, but when it comes to someone that I care about, I don’t want to upset them, so I generally just hold everything in, and stay quiet.

I realize a lot my anger comes from having people I am close to tell that what I am doing is wrong when they don’t like what I am doing, even if it is what is best or needed for myself. I am also sick of people telling me that everything is my fault. I love how others can be so quick to point out all my flaws, pick me apart, lecture me, talking down to me the entire time, while ignoring what is going on with themselves. There is a lot you can learn about others by listening to them scrutinize your life. It is amazing how much they self-project. The things that they don’t like about you, are generally pronounced qualities that they, themselves posses. It is this “I am so much smarter, better, and I can do the same things that caused me to be upset with you, but it’s okay when I do it” attitude that I can’t take any more.

I have been looking at when my relationships with people have been at their best and at their worst. There are some that have been there with me during my rough patches and my good patches, they have been consistent. While the amount of time that we talk or hang out may vary, it is their attitude and support of me that has never changed. I do not feel that they like me more when I am a certain way, they seem to like me just as much no matter if I am having a hard time or if things are going great for me. I have noticed that I have a few people in my life that seem to like me best when I am most down and like myself the least. Issues seem to arise when I am happy, in a good place, and have a lot going on with me. It has been cyclical, and like I said, I have had a lot time to think about this. Maybe when I am down, I call more, but I don’t think that is the case. I think it is that when I am down, I have no fight in me, I cave in even easier than I do normally. I don’t press anything, I don’t have a lot going on in my life, and I don’t care to let someone else have the spotlight, or take up more of my time. But when this dynamic starts to shift, things just seem to crumble. I don’t know…

But I do know that I am tired of letting people undermine me, make what is going on with me seem less important, getting mad at me for the same things that they do, which I am just supposed to dismiss, because in the end, it’s all my fault. It is not my fault. I am adjusted to my new home, I have new friends down here that I am close to (it’s amazing how quickly people being subjected to the same stresses and troubles, i.e. pharmacy school, bond), and I am finally taking control of my life. I am going to do what I want and need to do. I am tired of trying to cater to people who expect it from me, but don’t reciprocate. I am changing, I am growing, learning from my mistakes, living in a new city with new friends, and trying to have a healthy relationship with myself.  And like with every relationship, this one requires time and effort to maintain and strengthen it. And like all other relationships, it has its own dynamics that change, and part of being an adult is doing what needs to be done to maintain and keep this relationship healthy. So yes, I am changing. This does not mean I am a flake, a bad person, someone completely different from who I was a year ago, I am just more informed. I have learned from my mistakes, and am working to correct what I don’t like. Just because you redecorate your bedroom, so that it is changed and different, it is still your bedroom. I hate when people tell you that you have changed, like it is a bad thing. People grow and people change, and maybe if you really listened to them all those times they were trying to reach out to you, but you were just waiting until it was your turn to talk again, you would realize that this is what they were needing.

I have decided to take a stand. I know what I am tired of hearing and what makes me angry. And I am taking a stand against it. I am finally doing what I have wanted to do for so long, and that is do what I need and what to do to make myself a better and happier person. It feels good to not have to apologize for something that isn’t my fault or something that isn’t wrong. I will not let people walk over me anymore.  I am no longer letting others put me down or make me feel bad. I finally feel like I am back in control of my life, and it is a beautiful thing.

 

Sorry, I had a little spring cleaning… March 23, 2010

Sorry for my hiatus! I needed a break from everything. Finals before spring break just about did me in. Not only was I stressed beyond belief about finals, my mysterious medical issues, I have been trying to break through some mental barriers. I am back, thinking much better, and I am more aware and conscious of myself. I have been in counseling, and it has been mentioned to me that I should write about what I am feeling or what is bugging me. So for awhile, my blog may not be as trivial as it has been, and if the change is not appreciated, I sincerely apologize, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

What I want to know is why does it seem that those we no longer have nor want in our lives are the ones that end up sticking with us the longest? I am not talking sticking with us in a physical sense, but in a mental sense. The people that have hurt us and mistreated us the most tend to be the ones that work their ways into our minds and thought processes. So not only do we have to eradicate their physical presence from our live, but then we get the pleasure of having to eradicate the thought processes they have trained us to use.  Huh? Not sure if that has made much sense, so I will put it more simply.

I am currently  in a relationship with the most amazing guy. He makes me so happy, and he is so supportive of me. He is one of the reasons why I have been able to make so many new friends down here. I am normally really introverted, and more often than not, when I get an invitation to go out, I would love nothing more than to stay home. But he was the one to give me the gentle push forward to go out and meet new people, and to not shy away from them. When he is around I can relax and just let loose. That awful tightness I get in my middle back and neck disappear when he is around. I always have the best time with him, and his presence has the wonderful effect of making me way less neurotic. And if you know me, that is an amazing, not only for me, but those around me as well. To sum it all up, we have been together just over a year, and I am so in love with him.

So what’s the hang up? My ex. I am not hung up on him, rather in the recesses of my mind, I still have thought processes that have been embedded over years of his emotional abuse and manipulation. For almost four years, I let him talk me down, every mean thing he did was in some way, shape, or form was my fault (or so he said). At first, I thought that was ridiculous, how was it my fault you decided to cheat on me? But me being the naive girl I was eventually caved in and started to think that it must have been in some way my fault, I couldn’t see why someone would do something so mean and hurtful to someone that didn’t deserve it. So when it happened a second and third time, yep, both of which were my fault, because I wasn’t in the same city as he was, instead of never talking to him again, I listened to what he had to say. And part of me believed it, otherwise there would have been no way I would have stayed in that crap relationship for so long. Not only did that happen, but he would point out things about me that I was self conscious about (I don’t care how self confident someone is, we all have something about ourselves that we would like to change) and talk about it, and overall make me feel awful.  We would get in arguments, and he would then give me the silent treatment afterward as my “punishment” for arguing with him. The fighting got bad enough that one night he hit me a couple of times, and things got pretty bad. The relationship stalled for a bit, and we tried to stick with it, but honestly, I was broken and tired, and just didn’t have anything left in me to give. I hated who I had become, and I just didn’t really care much about anything anymore. And it ended. Sadly, I was upset about this, but I mean, four years is a long time, even if it was shitty, and really the only explanations I have are the fact that I am perfectionist (ME?! I know you’re surprised) and Munchausen syndrome.

These thoughts that he put into my mind usually don’t come into play. If one of those bad thoughts starts to rear its ugly head, I can usually dismiss it. Unless I am stressed and inebriated, and things can get bad. If I am in this state, and something someone has said or done can hit a nerve. I am hypersensitive to somethings, and if one is triggered, it is bad. And no matter who makes the comment or action that sets me off, [B] is always the one that I direct my anger to. And by anger, I mean WRATH, I lose it, I explode, it’s terrible. You know how people say that they were blind with rage, well it’s this kind of rage. It is all the built up anger I have towards my ex and myself. I am angry that someone treated me like shit when I didn’t deserve it, but mainly I am angry at myself for dealing with it. This doesn’t happen often, and it took awhile for me to see what was going on. I feel bad that I have done this to [B], and I want to let go of this anger.

So yes, I have been talking with someone to work through my anger, anxiety, and to try to help calm my thoughts. I think it is has helped so far. I have been able to see where I have been a doormat for some because it was what they expected and wanted, but I realize that now, and I know that I am a strong person. It’s odd, but I only let those that I felt I was very close to walk all over me, only people in my very small circle of highly trusted people. I have no problem standing up to those that I am not close to, but I guess this is where part of my perfectionism comes into play, and since I only care what my close friends and family think about me, they are the ones that I allow to walk over me. So I have been working on mediation to calm and control my thoughts, I have been trying to do what I want and not what others want me to say or do, and I have decided that I need to take this time to stand up for myself and stop letting others make me feel bad about me. Because I like myself. I know who I am, and I know who I want to be, and I am working unite the two. I am happy with the current path my life is on, and while it isn’t easy, it is what I want. While some may not like this, I need to be selfish right now. I have so much going on: I’m trying to work through my anger at myself and my tendencies to allow others to walk all over me, God knows what is going on with my body (other than the fact that it doesn’t like me, still swelling and will discuss later), and pharmacy school is really damn hard.

With all this, I have made the decision to surround myself with those that fully support me. Those that don’t need me to be down to feel better about themselves. Those that understand I am going through a lot right now, and that I am changing and growing as a person. Those that are willing to support me going out on my own and making new friendships with others, building relationships with others down here so that I feel connected and have a support network down here as well. People that understand, I am busy and do have other people in my life that are very important to me, that they aren’t the only people in my life I want to see and spend time with. I am lucky that I have such a loving and supportive boyfriend and family, they have done so much to help me. While they are miles away, they have helped me more than they could ever know, I am so thankful for them, and I love them more than anything.

 

 
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