Sorry for my hiatus! I needed a break from everything. Finals before spring break just about did me in. Not only was I stressed beyond belief about finals, my mysterious medical issues, I have been trying to break through some mental barriers. I am back, thinking much better, and I am more aware and conscious of myself. I have been in counseling, and it has been mentioned to me that I should write about what I am feeling or what is bugging me. So for awhile, my blog may not be as trivial as it has been, and if the change is not appreciated, I sincerely apologize, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
What I want to know is why does it seem that those we no longer have nor want in our lives are the ones that end up sticking with us the longest? I am not talking sticking with us in a physical sense, but in a mental sense. The people that have hurt us and mistreated us the most tend to be the ones that work their ways into our minds and thought processes. So not only do we have to eradicate their physical presence from our live, but then we get the pleasure of having to eradicate the thought processes they have trained us to use. Huh? Not sure if that has made much sense, so I will put it more simply.
I am currently in a relationship with the most amazing guy. He makes me so happy, and he is so supportive of me. He is one of the reasons why I have been able to make so many new friends down here. I am normally really introverted, and more often than not, when I get an invitation to go out, I would love nothing more than to stay home. But he was the one to give me the gentle push forward to go out and meet new people, and to not shy away from them. When he is around I can relax and just let loose. That awful tightness I get in my middle back and neck disappear when he is around. I always have the best time with him, and his presence has the wonderful effect of making me way less neurotic. And if you know me, that is an amazing, not only for me, but those around me as well. To sum it all up, we have been together just over a year, and I am so in love with him.
So what’s the hang up? My ex. I am not hung up on him, rather in the recesses of my mind, I still have thought processes that have been embedded over years of his emotional abuse and manipulation. For almost four years, I let him talk me down, every mean thing he did was in some way, shape, or form was my fault (or so he said). At first, I thought that was ridiculous, how was it my fault you decided to cheat on me? But me being the naive girl I was eventually caved in and started to think that it must have been in some way my fault, I couldn’t see why someone would do something so mean and hurtful to someone that didn’t deserve it. So when it happened a second and third time, yep, both of which were my fault, because I wasn’t in the same city as he was, instead of never talking to him again, I listened to what he had to say. And part of me believed it, otherwise there would have been no way I would have stayed in that crap relationship for so long. Not only did that happen, but he would point out things about me that I was self conscious about (I don’t care how self confident someone is, we all have something about ourselves that we would like to change) and talk about it, and overall make me feel awful. We would get in arguments, and he would then give me the silent treatment afterward as my “punishment” for arguing with him. The fighting got bad enough that one night he hit me a couple of times, and things got pretty bad. The relationship stalled for a bit, and we tried to stick with it, but honestly, I was broken and tired, and just didn’t have anything left in me to give. I hated who I had become, and I just didn’t really care much about anything anymore. And it ended. Sadly, I was upset about this, but I mean, four years is a long time, even if it was shitty, and really the only explanations I have are the fact that I am perfectionist (ME?! I know you’re surprised) and Munchausen syndrome.
These thoughts that he put into my mind usually don’t come into play. If one of those bad thoughts starts to rear its ugly head, I can usually dismiss it. Unless I am stressed and inebriated, and things can get bad. If I am in this state, and something someone has said or done can hit a nerve. I am hypersensitive to somethings, and if one is triggered, it is bad. And no matter who makes the comment or action that sets me off, [B] is always the one that I direct my anger to. And by anger, I mean WRATH, I lose it, I explode, it’s terrible. You know how people say that they were blind with rage, well it’s this kind of rage. It is all the built up anger I have towards my ex and myself. I am angry that someone treated me like shit when I didn’t deserve it, but mainly I am angry at myself for dealing with it. This doesn’t happen often, and it took awhile for me to see what was going on. I feel bad that I have done this to [B], and I want to let go of this anger.
So yes, I have been talking with someone to work through my anger, anxiety, and to try to help calm my thoughts. I think it is has helped so far. I have been able to see where I have been a doormat for some because it was what they expected and wanted, but I realize that now, and I know that I am a strong person. It’s odd, but I only let those that I felt I was very close to walk all over me, only people in my very small circle of highly trusted people. I have no problem standing up to those that I am not close to, but I guess this is where part of my perfectionism comes into play, and since I only care what my close friends and family think about me, they are the ones that I allow to walk over me. So I have been working on mediation to calm and control my thoughts, I have been trying to do what I want and not what others want me to say or do, and I have decided that I need to take this time to stand up for myself and stop letting others make me feel bad about me. Because I like myself. I know who I am, and I know who I want to be, and I am working unite the two. I am happy with the current path my life is on, and while it isn’t easy, it is what I want. While some may not like this, I need to be selfish right now. I have so much going on: I’m trying to work through my anger at myself and my tendencies to allow others to walk all over me, God knows what is going on with my body (other than the fact that it doesn’t like me, still swelling and will discuss later), and pharmacy school is really damn hard.
With all this, I have made the decision to surround myself with those that fully support me. Those that don’t need me to be down to feel better about themselves. Those that understand I am going through a lot right now, and that I am changing and growing as a person. Those that are willing to support me going out on my own and making new friendships with others, building relationships with others down here so that I feel connected and have a support network down here as well. People that understand, I am busy and do have other people in my life that are very important to me, that they aren’t the only people in my life I want to see and spend time with. I am lucky that I have such a loving and supportive boyfriend and family, they have done so much to help me. While they are miles away, they have helped me more than they could ever know, I am so thankful for them, and I love them more than anything.